Thursday, April 2, 2015

Being a Mom

One reason I enjoy this blog is because it allows me to be me.  I enjoy being able to inspire others whether it be to cook something from scratch, crossfit inspiration, self improvement, project idea, etc.  

It has made me aware that being honest is not only ok, but necessary.  In life, oftentimes, we look to the surface of people and our imaginations write a story.  We judge ourselves and compare ourselves to others.  We hide things for fear of what someone else might say.

I'm over that.  I'm going to be an honest mom - I always have been, but I'm going to write more about some of my experiences and my honest thoughts about them because I'm real and those situations are real.  The more real we hear, the more ok we feel- I'm tired of feeling alone.  Being alive is hard, being a parent is hard too, let alone when you feel like you're a bad one.

I often question whether or not I'm a good mom. Just because people tell me I'm a good mom, I still don't always believe it. There have been days when I just don't know what to do.

I have acquired a lot of parenting books, but they do not predict or mention every single situation I am going to be in.  I do enjoy reading them, because to me they are my ammunition for situations that I might be in, I like to be armed and ready for anything one of these kids of mine brings my way.

Sometimes these books frustrate me though because the author has everything perfectly laid out, and I'm over here like really, OK, "use your words" when your son is shouting at the top of his lungs and your other kids are running crazy about the house, or "yes, let's bargain" when your son just told you that he has "the worst family in the world and you are the meanest mom in the world."

Have you ever felt alone, like your kids do things that surely no one else's kids are doing?  I have five kids, my parents and all my brothers and sisters live 17+ hours away, my husband travels out of the country sometimes- things can get very very hard.

Recently I've been at war with a Nintendo DS2 and a kindle fire.  Right now, they have me on my knees with a white flag half raised.  I have tried everything and it seems like nothing is helping.  I finally took off my shield and put on Facebook how alone I felt and how desperate I felt with the situation.  Immediately, I got many responses from others in the same situation, and how they dealt with it.

We don't need to share all of our dirt with everyone all the time, but let's be more honest with our struggles.   Share them with someone because you will not feel so alone anymore.  Even if no one has the answer you are looking for, there is bound to be someone that has been hanging by a thread and you just saved their day by giving them the realization that they are not alone.

Parenting keeps getting harder and scarier as my kids get older.  I'm doing the best I can do, but sometimes I wonder am I really doing the right thing.  At the end of the day, I tuck my kids in, kiss them on the forehead and tell them "I love you", no matter how strugglish our day was.

Sometimes I then go to bed with a guilt ridden mind of how I could have had a better day or what I could have done differently.  I think of all the ways I'm ruining them and their lives.  Honestly, I'm a positive upbeat person, but this is the truth, my biggest fear that I can single handedly ruin their lives because I have no clue what I'm doing.

The truth is, no parent is perfect, kids do have minds of their own, and mistakes will be made.  It sure is hard to make those mistakes or see them happen, but that's why it's important to be honest, so we can all learn from it. We can all see that none of us are perfect and that day by day we are doing it- we are living and teaching and growing, one day at a time, together, not alone.


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